Planet Terror

Rating: 4

How fucking cool is this!? 😁🧟

I just felt like destroying something beautiful tonight,… like my taste. So I came around to be watching something different for once right here and now and treating myself with some good ol’ schlock:

«Planet Terror». (Speaking of schlock, the quality of this text will be rough, to say the least)…

«Pseudo-Schlock» I might add. While I’m not a trash-film aficiando* at all, Robert Rodriquez’ contribution to the 2007 Grindhouse Double-Feature (along with Quentin Tarantino’s «Death Proof») is such a B-E-A-T-I-F-U-L over-the-top hommage to seventies and eighties horror-thrillers that I just cannot resist to help anyone to remember this obscure anecdote in movie-history. It came into existence with all the potential of a true cult-classic – but somehow got lost in the stream of time – at least in my own personal movie-mind-palace.

You were warned, this text won’t be your elaborate think-piece nor your standard might-be-funny-might-be-relevant-but-probably-not-rafenew-world-review, but I can’t believe how cool the vibe of «Planet Terror» is.

More than ten years after it’s release the bliss of watching this (intentional) mess has gotten even more eerie and most important fun with time passed, given its «story», style and overall awful-wonderful goodness. (After just witnessing myself writing «goodness», I definitely won’t proof-read nor edit this article more than the bare minimum, so there you go.)

So, after not making no point whatsoever, let’s wrap up:

  • The reason I’m writing this is the simple fact that I was so surprised how good this movie holds up on DVD on my 4k jumbotron-TV, just because it’s made to look like a worn out – WHOW, QUENTIN JUST ENTERED THE FRAME! WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE – I COMPLETELY FORGOT HE USED TO DO THIS MOST AWKWARD CAMEOS😁! …AND… HIS BALLS ARE GONE…
    Where was I?
    Oh. right the movie was made to look like crap quality, so it doesn’t matter I watch it on DVD, probably event gets better that way.
  • Second: The music is really cool: Sounds like an amalgam of Dwayne Eddie on Guitar and John Carpenter’s Snake Plissken Soundtrack.
  • But in the end, this whole article serves the sole purpose to remind anybody who likes to listen that there once was this stupid, wonderful film called «Planet Terror».

    «Planet Terror» – A forgettable movie that deserves to be remembered.

Nope – no proof-reading today, not even after having googled that it’s spelled «proofreading». No, sir, not today…


Storytelling🐷🐷🐷
Characters🐷🐷
Acting🐷🐷
Drama, Baby!🐷
Fun🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷
Humour🐷🐷
Visuals🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷
Music and Sound🐷🐷🐷🐷
Originality🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷
Entertainment value🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷
Production value🐷🐷🐷🐷
Satisfaction🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

*) My way of writing aficionado, told you this text wouldn’t be perfect.

Alita: Battle Angel

Rating: 3.5

Now I’m angry.

I didn‘t plan on writing anything about «Alita: Battle Angel» and just make it a quicky this time around. Or should I say «Alita: Battle Angel – Part Fu**ing One»? But nooo, they had to do this their way, didn’t they!?

The unwillingness of telling a complete story in a single film really pisses me off! It’s one thing to make a bunch of sequels after having delivered a successful initial film, fair enough. But until then, I expect a first coherent, finished standalone movie before the right is earned to bull pullshit like this! Not an episode, a movie!

Imagine «From Dusk Till Dawn» ending when the Gecko brothers enter the «Titty Twister». It’s like having «Titanic» cut to credits after Leo’s «I’m the king of the world!» speech. That’s exactly what the ending of «Alita: Battle Angel» feels like. (And don’t give me some pittyful casting-twist-crap, it really doesn’t help your case).

It’s not like «Alita: The Setup» doesn’t overstay its welcome by at least 20 minutes as it is. And I understand that the complete story of the manga it’s based on would probably be too big to handle in a single movie.

But please! This is just annoying as fu*k, leaving me unsatisfied and with an empty feeling, no matter how shiny and spectacular the whole build-up process for a money-making franchise might be.

«Earn this!»

And would you pleeeease get rid of that godawful Real 3D-technology already or at least adjust the projector’s brightness properly so that the expensive CGI gets a chance to shine, for cryin’ out loud!?


Storytelling🐷🐷
Characters🐷🐷
Acting🐷🐷🐷
Drama, Baby!🐷
Fun🐷🐷🐷
Humour🐷🐷
Visuals🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷
Music and Sound🐷🐷🐷
Originality🐷🐷
Entertainment value🐷🐷🐷🐷
Production value🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷
Satisfaction🐷🐷