Rating: 3.5
| Storytelling | 🐷🐷🐷 |
| Characters | 🐷🐷🐷 |
| Acting | 🐷🐷🐷 |
| Drama, Baby! | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Fun | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Humour | 🐷🐷 |
| Visuals | 🐷🐷 |
| Music and Sound | 🐷🐷 |
| Originality | 🐷🐷 |
| Entertainment value | 🐷🐷🐷 |
| Production value | 🐷🐷🐷 |
| Satisfaction | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
Molly’s Game
A Quiet Place
Rating: 4.5
Just having learned today what «Giri choko» or «Pflichtschokolade» means, I realized what a lazy bastard I can be, preferring eating chocolate, pizza and McRaclette instead of writing forced movie «reviews» no one will ever read anyway.
Celebrating this new found honesty, I’m hereby introducing a new review-format for all no-time-for-no-bullshit-film-fans out there:
The «Quicky» [measured in metric pigs]:
Here we go, starting with John Krasinski’s brillant «A Quiet Place» (Categories may vary):
| Storytelling | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Characters | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Acting | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Drama, Baby! | 🐷🐷🐷 |
| Fun | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Humour | 🐷 |
| Visuals | 🐷🐷🐷 |
| Music and Sound | 🐷🐷🐷 |
| Originality | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Entertainment value | 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Production value | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Satisfaction | 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
A Star Is Born
Rating: 4
Beautiful, just beautiful!👏
That Racoon can direct! Who’d have thought?!🦝
Oscars right here! Yes,… Cooper, of course… Gaga,… yep! Just keep ’em coming… Elliott? Sure,… Röuelli draa, and just keep ’em coming…
😭🎵🎸🎤❤️
| Storytelling | 🐷🐷🐷 |
| Characters | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Acting | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Drama, Baby! | 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Fun | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Humour | 🐷🐷 |
| Visuals | 🐷🐷🐷 |
| Music and Sound | 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Originality | 🐷🐷 |
| Entertainment value | 🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Production value | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
| Satisfaction | 🐷🐷🐷🐷 |
BlacKkKlansman
Rating: 3
Well, it’s a movie.
A solid movie.
A solid Spike Lee movie.
Sorry, a solid Spike Lee «joint».
An important joint.
Presenting a mind-blowing premise based on true events.
About some very important issues.
Making some interesting points…
…in the most generic way imaginable (other than being somewhat of a period piece).
But other than that rather mediocre, imho. (#OscarBait)
Birdman
Rating: 4.5
Too lazy (and too drnk right now) to write a proper review (and don’t have the time to get into details, I have to get even more drnkn in a minute), but after my «Roma» “Review” I feel that I have to show that I still have some sense of proper movie-appreriationtiaion for some to like SOME artsy-fartsy movies!
I’m just rewatching «Birdman» and wanted to let you know, that it’s great and you absolutely have to watch it! Like now!!!
I problaly shouldnt wirt e this but it’s really graet, where are those really grat movies now? Frget «Rpoma», watch «Birdman»! BIIIIRDMAAAN!!!
Lets get some more Oscars over here, plse, bevore «Roma« gets, tehm!
Dad?! Dad!?
Roma
Rating: 2
To be honest, I didn’t plan to out myself as a hater (again, after last year’s Academy Awards disaster that was «The Shape Of Water»), but with the Oscars warming up and 10 nominations for this year’s frontrunner, I feel forced to reveal my two cents about «Roma – The Watching of Paint Dry».
Full disclosure: I like color. I like it in paintings, comics, in magazines, on flowers, even on vegetables: I like broccoli or pickles, which are green. Peter Jackson even coloured World War I to make it more fun, for cryin’ out loud!
But I digress…
Netflix’ Oscar vehicle «Roma» is like Alfonso Cuarón’s earlier multiple Oscar-winner «Gravity» but not set in space. And with the difference that I found «Roma – The Emperor’s New Clothes» to be boring and that I didn’t like it. And it doesn’t even come in color. And as I mentioned earlier, I like color.
One could state that «Roma – The CCTV Experience» is like «Children of Men», another masterpiece by Alfonso Cuarón, but not set in the future. What sets it apart from «Children of Men» is that «Roma – Arthouse, Schmarthouse» doesn’t have a story. I like story; it’s high up on my list of priorities: I even live in a 26 story building.
I’d even go so fare to compare «Roma – They Might Be Your Memories, But Why Should I Care?» with Cuarón’s «Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban», another great one that is entertaining and fully satisfying; unlike «Roma – Fast Forwarding Through The Second Half». I like to be entertained. And I like what I like.
In conclusion, I wished «Roma – I Already Miss The McRaclette» was more like «Y Tu Mamá También»: I’ve never watched it but I heard it’s great.
Glass
Rating: 3.5
For a moment there I really thought M. Night Shyamalan was finally back for good in all his former glory. But then «Glass» got a little clumsy and lost me somewhere along the way – just to win me back in the end.
As enjoyable and original the movie might be in general, Shyamalan once again tries a little too hard for my taste, lacking the elegance of his earliest work and for that matter, the charm of «Split», the movie that got me back on board for this one in the first place.
(In case you didn’t know, «Split» and «Unbreakable» are absolutely mandatory to see before «Glass» – it’s a whole thing now).
And though I love me some James McAvoy (I got so lucky to experience his wonderful stage performance as «Macbeth»), I’m sad to say, less «Horde» would have been more this time around.
All in all, revisiting Mr. Glass’ Meta-Comic-Super-Hero-World (almost two decades after «Unbreakable») in the weakest but still solid part of the trilogy, is absolutely worth its admission price.
M. Night really seems to be redeeming himself lately. Let’s be nice and give him just a little bit more time, he’ll get there again…
iPhone XR: First impressions
Rating: 0.5
I’m disappointed! My new iPhone was dead on arrival. And it’s a lot thicker than I expected:
And the iPods aren’t much better, either:
Black Mirror: «Bandersnatch» or why I broke up with Netflix
Rating: 4.5
For a few days I was very hesitant to watch this latest episode of «Black Mirror» where one can choose how the story goes. I don’t want to work for my TV entertainment, I have video-games for that, I reckoned.
But, oh man, did «Black Mirror» prove me wrong! «Bandersnatch» showed once again that «Black Mirror» remains one of the most entertaining, innovative and original series out there, this time turning it all up to 11 and the whole «pick your own adventure» concept on its head.
But «Bandersnatch» did it in such an ingenious and jaw-dropping way that it makes most of the latest Netflix exclusives sorely stay out as the lazy, uninspired, cheap crap that they probably are (IMHO).
So after having finished all available episodes of the great «The Good Place» and «Rick and Morty» (both not Netflix exclusives, mind you) and the admittedly pretty good «The Kominsky Method», the sensible thing to do after being extremely bored out by «Bird Box», «Next Gen», Russel Brand’s latest special, the publicity stunt that was «The Cloverfield Paradox» and, sad to say, even Alex Garland’s «Annihilation», seems to be just leaving Netflix for a while.
(And the cancellation of the Marvel series and the rather disappointing «Star Trek: Discovery» didn’t help either).
That’ll teach them…
Aquaman
Rating: 1
The only good thing I can write about «Aquaman» is that it ends. (Which is true in more than one way; the final 10 minutes of the movie were almost enjoyable).
But since this appalling piece of crab (yes, I just wrote that) presented itself as such an offending incoherent mess, I really don’t feel like making an effort here, either. So let’s just open the floodgates, shall we:
- Can we let the DC Extended Universe die now, please? At this point it’s just intolerable cruelty.
- This movie has the pacing and elegance of a very bad «Family Guy» episode.
- «Uncanny Valley – The Movie»
- You know you’re in trouble when Patrick Wilson steals the movie. (Not that he’s bad or anything, but you know, he’s Patrick Wilson).
- On the bright side, «The Shape of Water» is no longer my most hated water-related film of late.
- Poor Jason Momoa wasn’t given anything to work with whatsoever.
- You know you’re in trouble when I think Jason Momoa was underused. (Not that he’s bad or anything, but you know, he’s Jason Momoa).
- This movie feels longer than Willem Dafoe’s dong. And it’s almost as painful to watch as its scene in Lars von Trier’s «Antichrist».
- Like watching eight awful movies in parallel – while sitting on a trident, and not the comfortable way.
- You had to cram «Black Manta» into this, did you? BTW, have you even seen «Black Panther»?
- You know you’re in trouble when Dolph Lundgren’s hair becomes the most fascinating thing in the scene.
- Sicily, reaally? You don’t say?!
- Harry Gregson-Williams has a brother?!
- Directed by James Wan does this garbage end?
- Amber please stop, it Heards!
- I’ve seen way better versions of this made by children in the winter. It’s called «Snowman».
- I’ve seen way better versions of this made by dogs in the winter. It’s called «yellow snow».
- I’ve seen way better versions of this made by my anus in the winter. It’s called «shit».
- Aw, just Faqu,man!